Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
