actually, I'm a sock model
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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