just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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