dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
