Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
