She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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