I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
