you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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