She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
