SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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