he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
