dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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