The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
