I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
