I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
that is very illegal...i love you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
