Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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