Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
