I didn't shave. On purpose
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
