All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
