I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
