Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
