SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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