you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
