you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
