woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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