I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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