I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Randomize
