it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
