I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
