btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
