I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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