Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
