I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
