There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
