In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
