There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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