WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just had sex bonerless
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
