so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
sarcasm needs its own font
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
