Non-Jews are for practice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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