Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
