i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
