Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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