Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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