well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She announced her abortion via fbk
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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