All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
