the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
