Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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