South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
