1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
