My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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