u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just cropdusted the office
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
