P.S. I can't hear my feet
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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